@ghostkrogh

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

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@GingerHotDish

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

@1MeLrO

Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important

@jergarl

Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.

@njlitigator

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

@Julian_Epp

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

@RedRegenerated

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

@CornOnTheGoblin

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

@heyitsJudeD

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

@Playing_Dad

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.