me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.