me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.


Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important


Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.


A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.


People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud


If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.


I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG


Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…


[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.


Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.