me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Knock Knock
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂