me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I have a new favorite meme page
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.