Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.