Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.