Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
the council will decide your fate
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.