[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights
HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?
HR: You’re fine.
HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!