@ArfMeasures

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

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@FredTaming

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

@rmfnord

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

@aissalanis

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

@Bdell1014

If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights

@LosLos__

HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?

Me: Autocorrect.

HR: You’re fine.

Me: Sweet!

HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.

@WittySassBasket

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@perfumegenius

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

@chopper4jk

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!