Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

just got my engagement photos

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”