Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
You Might Also Like
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I’m being attacked 😭
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks