Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
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I’m so full I could puke a horse
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities