Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*