Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs