Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details