ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
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COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing