me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
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New skill unlocked
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*