me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.