me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I need this for my side hustle.
#DesignFail
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene