Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.