Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

linkedin the good parts

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

You saw nothing. I am ham.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then