Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Worst perfume name ever.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.