Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optional boss fight.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???