Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Double negatives are never not confusing.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

Anyone really

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.