Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Otters drive ottermobiles.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful