me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’m about to risk it all
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good