me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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UNZIP – ZIP
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UNZIP – ZIP
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UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
This is true.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!