me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Science is fun!
#nottrue
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.