Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.