Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My favorite female superhero
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”