Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

#Caturday

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*