Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”