Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
felt that
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
how to have an accident 101
put ‘er there pardner!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence