Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn