me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents