me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.