me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
