me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
i just found this in my phone
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.