me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird