If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
You Might Also Like
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 馃摑馃槶
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn鈥檛, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he鈥檚 10 feet tall and they鈥檙e absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I鈥檓 going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
me: why aren鈥檛 you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I鈥檓 not on mine.