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Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company