Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!