me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
You Might Also Like
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“That’s what” – She
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.