me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Florida man
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions