Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
You Might Also Like
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Plant care tips
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat