Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away