Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most