Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m gonna be sick

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.