Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

What the hell is going on?

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.