Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.