Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.