Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Traveler’s camo

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.