Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Whoa 😂
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw