Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe