Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!