Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Only Americans understand
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.