Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
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If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Word!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.