Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.