Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
