Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.