Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Go girl power!

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.