Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
i actually laughed 😩
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.