Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

*jingles half the way*

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”