Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

I feel attacked.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆