Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.

Me: Pffft… amateurs.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.