Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

What happened to the other hiker??!

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?