me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
You Might Also Like
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it