me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that đ
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old twitter is back baby
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Cat: GrrrrrplukkâŚGrrrrrplukkâŚGrrrrrplukkâŚGrrrrrplukk⌠[ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Roganâs laugh.
No my carpet doesnât match my drapes cause I donât have carpet , DuhâŚ.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didnât do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
9yo: Can I have McDonaldâs for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
âoh thereâs not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate Iâll just eat this last bitâ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
All Iâm saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isnât very strong.
Sitting in my car eating McDâs, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
âHere, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..â
i donât want fries. i want YOUR fries.
If watching 80âs music videos has taught me anything, itâs that you donât need talent if you have a fog machine.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
âAlexa, take down the Christmas decorations.â
Ask a man if heâs critiquing your workâŚ
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Ooo! The morning weather girlâŚ
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
âWhy canât I just eat the wax?â
~me, when I canât open the cheese
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Me: Youâre getting so tall!
Child: I donât really like that because it means Iâm getting older and when youâre older youâre closer to dying.
Me: âŚOh.
Child: Sorry, I wonât talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because youâre already so old and close to dying.
Iâve written a musical called Fish.
Itâs very similar to Cats⌠although Memoryâs a lot shorter.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Sorry I canât help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
superman villains:
darkseid â galactic conqueror
doomsday â indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker â tells little jokes
the riddler â poses little riddles
the penguin â is a penguin