me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that đź‘Ť
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”