Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.