me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.