me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
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I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?