Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.