Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

plums roundup

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

I saw nothing

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.