Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless