Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
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Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
me 2 months after i graduated
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.