me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE