5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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I’ve been refilling the same Evian water bottle for 6 months. So many people think I’m rich.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug
[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?
Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.