@TheHatStore

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve been refilling the same Evian water bottle for 6 months. So many people think I’m rich.

@bingowings14

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

@SCbchbum

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@TheDreamGhoul

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

@joshgondelman

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

@phalguy

[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?

Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff

Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.

@Jandalize

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

@MariyaAlexander

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.